Perverted love is all the “love” this world knows
the kind that says now or never
a demanding lust that craves for more and more

This is our world

This is our reality

Sucking the life out of every young man’s eye
stinging every woman deep within her heart
knowing that the “love” she hoped for
doesn’t really seem to exist
this is our world.  This is my world.  This is 2012.

Does the kind of love exist that we all grew up thinking “love” was?
the kind of love worth sacrifice
the kind of love worth everything

because 1+1 didn’t seem to equal one anymore
in this world at least
the odds just don’t seem to say it can work
“statistics” say it can’t happen

every 1 out of 2 marriages will end
100 percent begin with love
50 percent end with hate
or resentment
or simply shattered hopes
does real love even exist?
does hope for this kind of love even exist?

the love of dying in the arms of the one your heart was made for
the love that is as strong as death
jealousy demanding as the grave
that many waters cannot quench

what is love?  We ponder.
but the answer is right in front of us
right near to the touch of our fingers

who is love?
not lust
not demands
not fear
not skepticism
not ultimatums
not manipulation
not pornography
not lies
not dashed hope

some of these things people might find offensive to say
but the reality of our reality
is that love doesn’t seem to exist anymore
and some people.  Like me.
ponder if it is possible.
and like you
wonder if it is possible.  Real.  Does it exist?
or like you, who continue to hope and never seeing
or you who gave your heart again and again only to see it returned in pieces
or you who placed every longing you have in a better world around you.

Real love does exist.
And it already belongs to you.

What if we don’t deserve love?
what we “deserve” is damnation.
we don’t deserve any kind of love
it is a gift.  A priceless, precious gift.

Love is sacrifice.
That love is what makes the love our heart longs for.
That love makes us believe again.
But it begins within yourself.
but more importantly, it begins with knowing
you don’t have the ability within yourself.
that comes only from God.
But makes real love, true love.

Does real love exist?
Does the sun rise every morning?
I must believe.


Memories and images of you and i
like a dream you always have
but seem to forget when you awake
and hope it isn’t real

Saying goodbye again and again
but realizing you left when i began to speak
or that you were never really there
just an image

If i had never met you
i’d never know how strong i am
But now  the memories are faded
yet brought back to life again, today

But you seek the comfort of having someone near
even if it breaks her heart
or any heart
you don’t really seem to care

All that matters is the illusion of happiness
superficial joy
but i know you are still searching
i know deep inside you are always confused

For we cannot move forward
until we embrace our pain
You will never forgive her unless you try
and i can only try to forgive you, with a sorry-less goodbye

Though the blood has long been healed
my scar still remains
though i’m sure you will never know
or probably care

i wish you the best
i hope you can find yourself
i hope you begin to know how to feel
and forgive, start there.

touch points

words seem to fail me all the time these days.  i should just stop talking, because i never can say the right thing.  i don’t even know what i really want to say either.  even right now.

the moment a heart breaks, one can never really know how they will survive.  i’m not trying to be dramatic, just honest.  i think that’s why we fear love.  intimacy.  we never know when the heart will break and we never can know if it will fully be put back together again.

it’s easier to just not feel than to let yourself feel sometimes.

i was driving home tonight after running with a friend.  rolled my windows down, opened my sun roof, letting in the crisper-than-usual september first air.  it was peaceful.  sometimes we have to search for those moments of peace.

the moon was also really amazing tonight.  just a sliver in the distance.

i don’t really know what i’m trying to say, but for some reason it didn’t need any capital letters.

(almost) dead on arrival

almost dead on arrival
i pulled myself up out of the ashes
opening the door with near ease and a good push
stepping through the threshold and slamming the past behind, along with the door

head pounding, heart sinking
i found myself alone once again
covered in blood, sweat, and dirt
but i didn’t mind the silence, or the filth

time to clean up, i thought to myself
only there was so much still to do
as i began washing the dishes and sweeping the floors of my heart
i realized i was missing something, i just didn’t know what

i sill had my hands
strong enough to play instruments
i still had my voice
clear and ringing with no change

wasn’t that.

i glanced in the mirror to look at my face
the face i supposed i’d always had
yes, still looked the same to me
only a few small wrinkles forming, and white hairs growing on my head of hair

i searched my room, the heart of me
what was missing?
my journals nicely stacked, Bible on the end table
everything nicely lined up and in perfect order

i paged through bills
all stacked on my bookshelf
along with many books i probably will never read
then through the piles, i found what was missing

only what was missing, really shouldn’t be there at all
the memories of someone who never really was
who never really belonged in my heart and home at all
he needed to go

but for some reason i still held onto that framed photo of two smiling faces
maybe because at first i thought i would have reason to put it out again
but mostly because when it ended i couldn’t even look at him anymore
so i slammed it down, and buried it with my bills and Christmas cards

i stumbled home nearly dead on arrival
because for some reason this small piece was creating a huge weight in my heart
what am i missing?
i’m not even sure anymore.

i’m missing peace of mind and comfort in fears
i’m missing the dreams i once carried in my pocket
that are now hard to find
i’m missing the life i desperately want to live
but can’t because for some reason you’re still everywhere i go

can you just leave me alone?
let me be the person i was before you came along and stole my heart?
you don’t belong
you never did.

Marriage and other thoughts

This may be a 1, 2 or perhaps 3 part blog entry.  But here we go.

This may be controversial.  But if anything, it’s definitely counter-cultural.  Marriage these days is counter-cultural.

If you watch any bit of television, you see this.  I am unashamed to admit I’m a huge Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice fan, but I will also admit that many of the ideals presented in these shows are totally against Biblical standards for purity and marriage.

I have an interesting outlook on life.  Example number one:  My parents were married at 29 and 32, almost 27 years ago.  Back then, that was OLD.  But these days, this is typical, in fact, marrying even later than this is fairly typical these days.

Mindset/example number two: I always wanted to get married and have kids.  Until recently.  I grew up thinking about my wedding, what it would be like, how romantic it would be.  I dreamed of being that soccer mom driving kids to practice in a van.  Totally.  That was me.  In fact I went through years of feeling extremely lonely and depressed because i was  (duh duh duh…) SINGLE.  I was single for a lonnnnngggg time.  My first boyfriend = age 25.  First kiss= age 25.

But things have shifted.  Example number three: I think many may see me and feel sorry for me.  I’m 26 and single.  But you know what, I’m in an awesome place.  For the very first time, I feel freedom in my singleness I never understood or learned to embrace before.  I feel content and totally fine walking hand in hand with just God and I right now.

But.  Two things are warring against one another.  The culture says to embrace freedom, liberty, and sexuality.  Singleness in our culture means you have a free ticket to explore whatever sexual avenues you want.  Homosexuality, many MANY sexual partners…. among other sinful activities.  Watch one episode of Grey’s Anatomy and you have an accurate picture of how our culture sees things.  Not only this, but hey, if you aren’t ready for marriage but you’re seeing someone, by the second date if you haven’t slept together, there’s definitely something wrong with one of you!

Then, we have God’s picture.  Many right winged Christians advocate for early marriages, and that this can lead to less promiscuity (fairly true), and that God’s entire design is for man and woman to be together, not alone and separate.

But, we live in a fallen, sinful world, may I remind you.

So, what does this mean for me?

I am 26 years old.  I am a virgin.  I have no foresight of being married in the near future, yet so many Christians see me and think that I must be desperate to meet someone.  Not true.  And those who are living a worldly lifestyle assume I’ve had multiple sexual partners and am living in total freedom.  Two worlds screaming at me, but neither is true.  Neither paints a picture of who I am.

I believe God has made us for relationships, to desire protection, care, and to live life with one another.  Out of Adam’s side was Eve created.  Not so that Eve would serve and slave for her husband, but that they could stand hand in hand, side by side, serving God together.  He completes her, and she completes him.

A number of things have delayed the marrying age in our society.  I don’t mean to play the blame game, but seriously, there are few men in my life right now I can say I would even consider dating, let alone marrying.  Many of them are boys, not men.  Many of them spend hours playing video games, eating pizza and drinking.  This is not responsibility, and guys, no woman wants to marry that.  Get yourself together, do things, be productive, read your Bible, be mentored by a Godly older man, and make steps toward marriage, if you believe God will one day call you to this.  We live in a culture that increasingly encourages boys to remain boys, instead of encouraging men to be men.  And now, you’ll find more and more women who are single, leaders, and completely take charge type women, because guess what?  No men are being men.

God knows and sees this.  I just wanted to point out a few statistical reasons why the average age for men and women to marry is gradually being pushed back. In 2010 the average age for men marrying (first marriages) was 28, and women age 26.

Then there is the subject of divorce.

That is an entirely different blog right there.

Perhaps there will be a part 2 or 3 to come.  But for now, that’s all I got.  Back to work.

Informational website on marriage statistics:

the blinker. part 2.

silence.  in between the sound
the pounding sound
of the blinker
takes me back to that place

daydreaming again what i did before
again.  6 months later
still wishing
a warm touch of the hand

thought i had found what i was looking for
in the depth of your blue eyes
straining to look deeply
to see if you see what i see

but you don’t
you didn’t
but i was the fool to believe
you could see what i tried to see

i put on my rose colored glasses
lenses made of “love” and “lust”
seeing a picture perfect life
just in the beginning, just during the lies

the memories can’t be erased
though somedays i wish they could
i wish the pain was easy to forget
to you it seems to be easy to forget
but when you are always next to an empty bottle
i guess it becomes an easy escape

to escape the pain you have caused too many
too many who were trusting of you
trusting of your strong arm
“protection” we thought we needed

the sound of the blinker brings me back
all the memories flashing in front of me
but once again, the car turns
and the silence returns

the empty space is still silent
but filled with continued memories of you
even on my best days, they are still marked with thoughts of you
but i’d never go back.  i’d never go back

no reason to return to lies
no reason to enter the facade of a “life” you’ve made for yourself
no reason to live in your world
no reason to trust any word you ever spoke
no reason to believe i am who you are

the blinker

the blinker

the blinker loudly sounds, filling the silence
drip, drop, drip, drop
again the rains have come
again i am taken back

taken back to a place i’ve known
a place i’ve long been
in the silence, a familiar sound rings
reflection, honesty, hope, alone

the days grow colder, along with my heart
the daylight comes and goes so quickly
wishing to be warm again
wishing to see the sun again

wanting to love during the season of transition
hoping to open my heart soon
to be filled with love during the orange
then during the red and green and blue season
maybe forever

long lost hope during the time
smiles, hugs, warmth, fire, family, love
where is my hope?
where is my chance to love?

not yet, not now, not yet, not now
seems like the answer has always been
alone, Alone, ALone, ALOne, ALONe, ALONE
the silence screams

yet a morsel of hope remains
it just won’t seem to leave
maybe this year
maybe this fall
maybe this time
my thoughts race

then the loud silence is filled
with a blinker
now the car is turning
now it is silent again



“In my weakness I find that your strength knows no bounds, 
and in my loneliness I find that the everlasting arms surround me.
Even with this fragile heart
I find a place to rest here, safe where you are.

I am falling into grace again
I am running where mercy never ends
Lord I’m learning that your love can cover me
You are teaching me what a child is meant to be”

Over the past couple weeks, I’ve begun writing several blogs, each with only a few sentences.  There’s so much I could say about my experiences here in Thailand on a completely superficial level, but there are always many sides to any experience, and there has been so much God has been speaking to my heart.

I’m learning what it means to love God.. and let him love me.  Seems simple, right?  I thought so as I began this journey, but it’s been difficult.  I want to desire God, and I want to love him, but so much gets in the way each day.  So much competes for my affections and my attention.  But only one, really truly deserves that attention.  

I sing “I surrender”, then I sing “I love you Lord…” but what does it look like?  How do I know when I’ve finally come to the place of learning this lesson and moving onto the next?  Or is that how the journey of a Christian goes?  

I’m a pretty liner thinking person, I think of things in order, and things consists of a beginning and an end.  But the person of God.. has no end and no beginning.. and our journey, with it’s many lessons and dynamics continues throughout our time on earth.  

God pursues us.  Every day he pursues us.  He wants our full devotion, and our full attention so we can hear his voice, and know who he is.  The more I learn about God, the more I realize I don’t know about him.  Can we ever understand this love?  

Human love… falling in love.  Now, I can’t say I know from experience, but when you are interested in someone, you want to know everything about them.  The more you learn about them (hopefully) the more you fall in love with them (although we all know my friends that this isn’t always the case)… BUT, as we learn more about who God is and truly use our minds to engage in this thinking, everyday we can draw closer to him, because we’ve seen more of who he is, and seen more of his heart.

There’s a song that makes me cry nearly ever time I hear it called, “Only Love Remains” by JJ Heller.  Listen to it if you get the chance, it’s an amazing prayer for our lives.

Scenes of you come rushing through you are breaking me down,
so break me into pieces that will grow in the ground.
I know that I deserve to die for the murder in my heart,
so be gentle with me Jesus as you tear me apart.

Please, kill the liar, kill the thief in me,
I know that I am tired of their cruelty.
Breathe into my spirit, breathe into my veins,

Until only love remains.

You burn away the ropes that bind and hold me to the earth,
the fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth.
I begin to see reality for the first time in my life,
I know that I am a shadow but I’m dancing in your light.

Teach me to be humble, call me from the grave,
show me how to walk with you upon the waves.
Breathe into my spirit, breath into my veins,

Until only love remains.


That’s all I want.  I want him to take away everything that means nothing in my heart, until all I have is love for him.  Each day, part of loving him is surrendering the things in my heart that I’m holding so tightly too.  I’m such a classic first-born child.  I have dreams, and I have plans.  Sometimes I’m not afraid to let God know that “I’m sorry, but this wasn’t in my plan”.  

Letting go.

Loving him with ALL my heart.. not just part of it.

In 1 John 5:21, the very last verse, it says, “Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God’s place in your hearts.” 

This will most likely be continued at a later time, but for now here are a few songs on my playlist “LOVE of GOD”:

“Love Song” by Jason Morant
“Divine Romance” by Phil Wickham
“If I Have Not Love” by Matt Redman
“Saving Grace” by Hillsong United
“Captivated” by Vicky Beeching
“Glance” by Misty Edwards

May you experience his love with each breath he has given you.  May you return to your first love, or maybe for the first time experience his love.  Let him love you.  Let him pursue you.  Let him take the darkness and the heavy loads you hide deep within your heart.  Return.  Love.