wrestling the angels

sometimes, we wrestle with angels
sometimes for a name
sometimes for more than a name

i wrestle for life
to feel my flesh and blood
and know it’s real

to fight for living
and breathing
and being human

give me a name
give me a task
tell me what you want me to do

the path is too dark
to meander to and fro
so just tell me what you want me to do

give me a name
call my heart from where it lies
rescue this drifting soul

God himself is with us
emmanuel
God has made his home among us

Among us wretched sinners
filthy and scarred
carrying our shame and sin

He has made his dwelling
yet we still wrestle with him
for a task and a name

Give me answers
Give me peace
Give me something i still can believe in

Give me joy
Give me life
Just give me You

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memoirs

Memories and images of you and i
like a dream you always have
but seem to forget when you awake
and hope it isn’t real

Saying goodbye again and again
but realizing you left when i began to speak
or that you were never really there
just an image

If i had never met you
i’d never know how strong i am
But now  the memories are faded
yet brought back to life again, today

But you seek the comfort of having someone near
even if it breaks her heart
or any heart
you don’t really seem to care

All that matters is the illusion of happiness
superficial joy
but i know you are still searching
i know deep inside you are always confused

For we cannot move forward
until we embrace our pain
You will never forgive her unless you try
and i can only try to forgive you, with a sorry-less goodbye

Though the blood has long been healed
my scar still remains
though i’m sure you will never know
or probably care

i wish you the best
i hope you can find yourself
i hope you begin to know how to feel
and forgive, start there.

YOU

YOU hold it in your hands
YOU carefully watch every move
every breath
YOU whisper: words of life
into every heart and soul

breathing in and breathing out
saying YOUR name unaware
grace upon grace
mercy upon mercy you say:
you are MINE and I am yours

we spout words of discontent
sentences of our “all knowing humanness”
YOU smile, YOU see, YOU hear
but we cannot see things the way YOU do
we cannot understand the workings of YOUR hand

we can never see all the ways
YOU cover us with your unending grace
the ways we divide and kill
the ways YOU cover us still
blind to YOUR covering grace, we are

YOUR light breaks through the darkness
as i stand facing the light of day
facing the light with the past behind
how could i ever not see YOU
how could i ever forget YOU?

YOU are everywhere and in my every breath
YOU are peace when all around is madness
YOU are joy (and my joy) when i have lost happy
YOU are grace covering every word and every move

YOU are.

Taste and See

(Adapted from Psalm 34, Isaiah 55, and Bebo Norman’s “The Only Hope”)

taste and see!
come close and see!
EXPERIENCE this:
that the Lord is GOOD

he is richer than the richest food
more beautiful than the finest silk
sweeter than the sweetest honey
more radiant than the golden sun

experience his goodness
drink in his grace
swim in his ocean of mercy
and inhale his awesome majesty

who can know the heart of God?
who could possibly understand?
his thoughts are much higher
and his ways are unfathomable

we reach for crumbs
but he gives a feast
we long for a note of beauty
while he writes a symphony

so let us tell of his goodness to all
let us worship his name together
until my last breath, let me continue to praise
i will never stop singing of his kindness

for i have tasted and seen
i have experienced his goodness
his goodness in the suffering and pain
his beauty in the ugly and dark

he shines.
he radiates.
he is beauty.
he is love.

and he longs to give these things to us

the blinker. part 2.

silence.  in between the sound
the pounding sound
of the blinker
takes me back to that place

daydreaming again what i did before
again.  6 months later
still wishing
a warm touch of the hand

thought i had found what i was looking for
in the depth of your blue eyes
straining to look deeply
to see if you see what i see

but you don’t
you didn’t
but i was the fool to believe
you could see what i tried to see

i put on my rose colored glasses
lenses made of “love” and “lust”
seeing a picture perfect life
just in the beginning, just during the lies

the memories can’t be erased
though somedays i wish they could
i wish the pain was easy to forget
to you it seems to be easy to forget
but when you are always next to an empty bottle
i guess it becomes an easy escape

to escape the pain you have caused too many
too many who were trusting of you
trusting of your strong arm
“protection” we thought we needed

the sound of the blinker brings me back
all the memories flashing in front of me
but once again, the car turns
and the silence returns

the empty space is still silent
but filled with continued memories of you
even on my best days, they are still marked with thoughts of you
but i’d never go back.  i’d never go back

no reason to return to lies
no reason to enter the facade of a “life” you’ve made for yourself
no reason to live in your world
no reason to trust any word you ever spoke
no reason to believe i am who you are

the blinker