until it happens

Isn’t it funny?
Everything seems like a great idea
until it happens.

Move across the country and attend seminary..
but leave all your friends and family behind.
Move across the country so you can [potentially] meet your spouse..
but have everyone you’ve loved and longed for leave or let you down.
Move across the world to do ministry and be near your family…
but live with questions and fears whether it was really the right thing.

I live in the tension
of the life I long to live
and the life I’m living right now.
As if these two were so different
but sometimes they are in my mind.

Faced with a choice and decision that will impact the destination of the next chapter.

Move back to the land of barrenness and heartache…
to perhaps grasp what I’ve been reaching for.
Move to a land unknown full of possibilities…
only to be left alone, with myself and my thoughts.

Reaching forward and reaching back
cannot be done at the same time,
you must choose: future or past.
Which will dictate your path?
The choices you didn’t choose, or the chances you did take?

Perhaps all that we long for and all that we hope,
are right in front of us, right under our nose.
Perhaps the person we are and the person we long to be
are one in the same,
and the tension of both can become one.

It’s not really funny
many things seem like great ideas
until reality sets in
until it happens.
But the true treasure lies in your moments and days
embracing today while it is still called “today.”


from death to life


Letting go.
Letting things die
so i can live..
so I can really live, again.

There is life, even in death
because some things need to die, so other things can live
like dreams

But why do we keep praying for clarity?
We are never promised clarity
But … but
we can walk by faith, and not by sight
we can choose trust instead of the questions

And somehow in the mess
there is beauty
in the ashes
and in the end
we may experience a joy that only comes from Him in the midst of the
madness, chaos, confusion and doubt..

and a seed of joy is planted
growing bit by bit
sprouting into a tree.  A tree of life.  Again.


Death is such a funny thing, I mean, funny in a not so funny way.  I tend to stay far away from hospitals, breathing apparatuses… and just everything of that genre.

But the other day, I had to go to the hospital to visit my Aunt (actually my great Aunt, but we always just called her Aunt, like the regular kind), and have yet another encounter and be near death.  It’s been just over a year since my Grandma passed away, but the feeling is still all too real, even as I was missing her today.

Anyway, hospitals.  I don’t think I’ve been to the hospital to visit someone since my Grandpa died, in the summer of 2006, but walking in through those double doors, and down the hall to ICU only brought back memories of him, and of course my Grandma.

I tried not to think about it, but when my Mom called as I was working yesterday, I knew why she was calling.  I work at the church, so I had already heard the situation was critical, but still, I agreed to visit the hospital in my parents brief absence, even though she was sedated at the time.  I went about my work, then threw on my jacket, and decided just to walk over, since the hospital isn’t far from the church.  On the way, I really didn’t think about how it would feel, I didn’t want to.  But then again, maybe I just shouldn’t think about it, since it wasn’t really about ME at all.

I stayed for maybe an hour, visiting with her caregiver, and another relative (I honestly can’t even tell you how she’s related to us… we have so many interesting extended family connections, and just don’t really know them too well).

Her breathing and heart rate was irregular, but the only thing I could think about was my Grandpa, and remembering seeing him in a similar fashion, almost 6 years ago.

I wasn’t close with my Aunt, we never spent much time with her, you know, life is busy. My Dad knew her well and cared for her a lot over these past 8 or so years, when her health worsened.

Death is just so interesting, not funny, just so weird and intriguing.  I’m so uncomfortable being around it, because it just seems so wrong to sit in the same room where someone is dying and reminisce, laugh, tell stories about their lives, and be… so alive.

Someday I will die, and actually it will be a beautiful thing.  Seeing the face of God, seeing relatives that I’ve seen pass onto the other side.  It will be amazing.  But the scary, and more sobering thing to think about now is that so many around us don’t know Christ, and will not have heaven to look forward to.  They won’t experience a beautiful death, they don’t know what it’s like to have the peace of God.  This has been a topic of conversation with friends lately, and just realize the fragility of life.

Every breath is life, and a second chance to start again.  Just remember that, as you live and dance your way to death.

..making it count..(life)..

“The American dream isn’t really a dream at all”. -L. Cassel.

After at 5+ hour drive to San Fransisco this week, plus a 5+ hour drive back the next day, a friend and I got into some interesting discussions on life, dreams, hopes, and the future.  I think both of us got out of the car in the end with more determination to change the world and make a difference than we actually probably wanted, but you know, dreams and hopes are a good, good thing.

I believe, more and more, that the American dream is becoming such a ridiculous idea, even more so for our generation.  The upcoming child-bearing generation.  Or I guess I should say current.  What am I talking about, I’m behind the wagon on that one, but I definitely don’t mind.

I feel such an urgency to do something.  This life was meant to be lived, and we have been given such an opportunity to do something, and not sit back.  Maybe it was the concert, I don’t know, but I was so inspired (once again) by Switchfoot, and their lyrics.

“And I wonder why would I wait till I die to come alive?
I’m ready now, I’m not waiting for the afterlife”

“We were meant to live for so much more…”

“Every breath is a second chance”

Sure, my life isn’t what I thought it would be, but why would I want to trade it in for another?  Another song that’s really got me thinking is their title track of the new album “Vice Verses”, Jon says (I feel like I can call him just “Jon” since we met and all… :))

Wonder what it means to live forever? 
Wonder what it means to die?
I know that there’s a meaning to it all
A little resurrection every time I fall
You got your babies, I got my hearses
Every blessing comes with a set of curses
I got my vices, I got my vice verses
I got my vice verses

Every blessing comes with a set of curses.


I’m not sure where I’m going with all this, but life is sacred.  We have a chance every breath we take to change and do something, to not just sit back and survive.  Another line from “Thrive” is simple, “I wanna thrive, not just survive”.  Yes.  That’s what I want.  Not a white picket fence with the word “safety” written all over it, that creates a false sense of safety since it’s usually accompanied with thousands of dollars of debt, I want reality.  (I’m NOT saying that buying a home is a bad thing!!)  I want Christ.  I want to take the blessings I have and run with them, not worry about what the world deems as a curse.

A little resurrection every time I fall.

Life.  We all have a different role and task, what is yours?


it seems like the same conversation happens
again and again
wait, wait, wait
okay.  i’ll wait again

no one to call mine
not that i’m ready for that
but it could be nice
it could be time

somehow you always seem to see me
see me for who i actually am
the good and not so good
the grand and not so grand

but how can i know?
how could i possibly decide?
residing in between fear and regret
is peace

this is the way, walk in it
that’s all i want to hear
to make a decision without question
to take a step without wondering

somehow we figure out how to survive
between the tension of believing
and doubting
and trusting with faith

i think i might need you, too
but only time will tell
only after letting my heart loose
will i know exactly where it lies

waiting is my joy,
my curse, my friend
alone is where i will lay and stay
waiting is where i will remain