Meridith

words fail

May 7, 2009 MeridithLeave a comment

When words fail, I just don’t speak. Words fail me a lot lately.

I’ve felt like I’ve been in a daze over the past few weeks, and the thing is that I knew I would feel this way. I hate feeling like I have no purpose and that I’m wandering.

Each morning, I’ve woken up in a various couch, bed, and location in beautiful Southern California. With no agenda almost each day, I have felt like I’ve been wallowing in self-pity, which is not the right approach to things. People getting married, life happening all around, people in love, people enjoying jobs, people living.

I feel like I’ve been waiting for something big to happen and to point me in the right direction. I’m not sure that “big” thing was what I was expecting, but I’m feeling a pull to a place I never wanted to go back to. I won’t go into details, because everything is really up in the air, and nothing is for sure, but I need to follow my heart on this… even if I don’t understand it.

Thank you those for your thoughts and prayers, I can’t express enough what they mean. I’m grateful, and blessed beyond measure.

More to come.

PS: On Monday I’m starting two (2) courses for my Seminary degree! I know I haven’t really explained that to many people, but my heart is joyful about it, and I’m really looking forward to this new venture!

it’s about time

April 19, 2009April 22, 2009 Meridith4 Comments

… for me to blog again, and break the silence.

Silence is good, but just because my blog has been silent, doesn’t mean that my thoughts have been.

Where do I begin? I’m not sure… adjustment back to the States after being away for nearly a year isn’t the easiest thing. I really thought I was doing quite well; I have been back for 2 weeks and 2, almost 3 days now, and it wasn’t until last night that I finally admitted to myself that I was in reverse-culture shock. I thought everything was going really great. I had been seeing people and catching up, but all the while, I haven’t thought about Thailand much at all. Though I spent the last year overseas, I spent that entire year wondering and thinking about what it was going to be like once I came back. Now that I’m back, I just can’t help but think “what’s next?”, and it’s also the question on everyone else’s mind who talks to me, which quite honestly is about the worst question you could ask someone after they come back from being overseas- in my opinion!

So here I am, back in the States. I’m unemployed, trying to figure out life, wondering what my next goal is, and feeling pretty lost. It’s like life is happening all around me, but I’m stuck and can’t move. Like one of those awful dreams you have when something terrible is sneaking up behind you, only you’re frozen and can’t seem to move one muscle.

My state of confusion is not outside of God’s care, concern, or knowledge, and I need to remind myself of that. I was comforted the other night in reading Ephesians 1, when it says that not only has God saved us through Christ with his KINDNESS, and GRACE, but he’s also given us WISDOM and UNDERSTANDING.

So I don’t really know what else to say. It’s 4:10AM, and I have a lot on my mind, mostly things that I’m not talking about right now, if you couldn’t tell. Pray for me friends, if you think of me. I’m trying to rest in the knowledge that I’m safe in the arms of Christ, and I’m right where he wants me, but that doesn’t make this valley any easier.

leavin’ on a jet plane

March 25, 2009 MeridithLeave a comment

A week from today, I will be finishing my packing, saying last good-byes, and getting ready to go to the airport. It’s so weird, honestly, and in many ways it still seems really far away, just because there is so much to do between now and then.

I’m filled with so many emotions, and my heart is pulled and torn so many ways. I knew this day would come, but it doesn’t make it any easier, and it doe

sn’t make the future seem any clearer, it just gets scarier and makes me more afraid, to be honest.

I’m also confronted with questions about God, his character, and who he is. I know that he is so good, and scripturally we know he never will leave us, but I question his involvement in our lives, free will, and how much control he really has in our lives. I think these are healthy questions to ask, and frankly I don’t have answers for them. I believe that there are a number of paths to choose for my life at this point, but I do want his best, and I suppose in faith I need to trust in the leading of His spirit inside my heart, and trust his voice. I knew that peace and his voice when it was time for me to come to Thailand, so I need to trust for that same peace when looking at the future.

Easier said than done.

23

March 19, 2009March 19, 2009 MeridithLeave a comment

I’ve been twenty-three, well, for almost a year now, and I was thinking ahead to being twenty-four, and a song that I hope to use for a future blog, but I think it’s time for a blog on being twenty-three, since it won’t be for much longer. One of my all time favorite Jimmy Eat World songs is called “23”, and I wanted to share the lyrics, but not until the end.

A year ago, around my birthday, as when I first found the job here in Thailand at GES, and so my memories of last year’s birthday dinner were filled with thoughts of Thailand, and wondering if I’d actually be going. Twenty-three seemed old, but not that old, twenty-four on the other hand, is OLD. I’ve been saying for the past year that I’ll cry when that day comes, and I still think that will happen.

It’s been a year of new beginnings, growth, and lots of change. Life after college was all I thought about during my Senior year at Simpson, but as I quickly found out, and have been discovering, it really isn’t easy. I learned in the time I turned 23 that I should simply take life one step, one day, one moment, and one year at a time. I can’t expect all the details of my hopes and dreams to happen so fast, many of those hopes and dreams come through experiences and time.

Anyway, there’s more I could say, but the lyrics of this song say a lot. If you haven’t ever listened to the song, DO IT! It’s one of the most beautifully crafted songs I’ve ever listened to, as many Jimmy songs are. Genius. It’s about living life to the fullest, living without regret,dreaming dreams and growing older…

23- Jimmy Eat World

I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I’m still driving away
And I’m sorry every day
I won’t always love these selfish things
I won’t always live…
Not stopping…

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You’ll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I’m here I’m now I’m ready
Holding on tight
Don’t give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems
I’ll be 23
I won’t always love what I’ll never have
I won’t always live in my regrets

passions

March 17, 2009 Meridith1 Comment

What is passion? How is passion grown in our hearts? I don’t know the answers to these questions, but as I’ve learned, God reveals in our hearts the things we are passionate about, and often these passions are connected with the gifts we are given, and talents we have.

Passion is often defined as more of an emotional experience we have, but I’ve learned that passion is both an emotion, but also something that can be buried and grown deep in our hearts, and that “emotion” has roots, and is stronger than a passing feeling.

We all know the story Jesus tells about the master who gives his three servants “talents” or coins to invest, and it is the choice of the servant what is done with those gifts. (The parable is found in two of the Gospels, in Matthew 25:14-30, and Luke 19:12-28). In this familiar story, we can also see ourselves. God has given us things in this life, maybe they are material things like money, maybe it is time, maybe it’s a spiritual gift, there are a number of things that could be seen as the “talents” in our lives, and we can choose to be selfish with those things, or we can choose to serve God with those things. Part of serving God with these things may also look different, maybe it will mean DEVELOPING a certain skill, talent, or gift.

Our God is gracious, but I pose a question that I’m not sure has an answer: if we are given something and don’t do anything with it because we are scared of losing it, or afraid of disappointing God, can that be taken away? Can we “lose” a passion we have? A gift or talent we have? Money? Time? Spiritual gift? I think so. INVESTING can mean a number of things, but if God has been the one to give us that gift all along, I don’t think we should fear losing it, or more importantly, providing for our needs. In the parable, the master called the servant “evil and lazy”, or burying his money. In Luke, the servant of the King said he was afraid because the King was a harsh man, and “severe”.

I have a number of thoughts about this parable, and also passion, and faith, but time has run out for now. There will be a “Part 2” coming soon, I have some thoughts to share about how this has impacted me recently.

I’d love to hear your thoughts… I think this is something many of us wrestle with, and it’s nice to know we’re not alone.

Love you all.
Mer

“you are for me”

March 4, 2009 Meridith1 Comment

I am still disbelief that I will be flying home in one month! I have been here for 9 months now, and what is even more strange, is that I will return and it will have been less than a year ago that I first discovered the job. So strange how things change.

I’ve been thinking and praying about a lot over the past few days, and I won’t share it on here, but I wanted to leave you with the lyrics to Kari Jobe’s “You are For Me”. It’s a beautiful song, and she’s an amazing new worship artist, if you haven’t listened to her, give her a listen!! (I’ve put a video at the bottom).

You Are For Me
(Kari Jobe)

So faithful.
So constant.
So loving and so true.
So powerful in all You do.

You fill me. You see me.
You know my every move
and You love for me to sing to You.

I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never, forsake me in my weaknesses.
I know that You have come down,
even if to write upon my heart.
To remind me who You are.

So patient,
So gracious,
So merciful and true…
So wonderful in all You do.
You know me. You see me.
You know my every move. You love for me to sing to You.

Lord, I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never, forsake me in my weaknesses.
I know that You have come down, even if to reign upon my heart.
To remind me that I know that You are for me.

lenten reflections (so far)

March 3, 2009 MeridithLeave a comment

Here is a website I wanted to share with FAQs about Lent, I thought I’d share: LENT 101.

Let’s be honest, our lives are way too busy. I’ve felt conviction since I began lent, last Wednesday, because the thing I chose to ‘give up’ has still not created the space I was hoping for to simplify my life. There’s always something more to be done, and it’s always a never-ending list.

One author describes lent as being a “heavy season”, in which we are to deal with the attitudes, thoughts, actions, and all the physical and spiritual junk we’ve accumulated in our lives. Honestly, I don’t even know where to start.

I encourage you to do your own cleaning out. Lent is actually where the term and idea of “spring cleaning” came from, and also includes the physical side of our homes, only we should remember to give away things we do not want, and give them to those who are in need.

“Contradictions, sicknss, scruples, spiritual aridity, and all the inner and outer torments are the chisel with which God carves his statues for paradise” -Alphonsus Liguori

“Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again”.

prayer

“God of mercy, come into the hidden places of our hearts. Christ of compassion, come into the broken places of our world. Spirit of life, come into the polluted places of our lives. Forgive us, heal us, redeem us, lead us from death to eternal life.”

Our father in heaven, holy is your name.
May your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.
Lead us not inot temptation, but deliver us from evil.
For the kingdom, the power and the glory are yours.
Now and forever.
Amen.

Ash Wednesday and Lent

February 21, 2009 MeridithLeave a comment

I’ve been intrigued by many traditions of the Catholics and of practices of the Church year, and it all began during my college years at Simpson. I wouldn’t consider myself to be quite as left as some of the “emerging church” ideas, however, I am in the same camp as many who believe that the church needs to be revived, and part of that revival will be reaching back to the old traditions and practices that were left long ago when the spilt began between Catholics and Protestants.

Some Protestant churches do incorporate the pre-Easter traditions of Ash Wednesday and Lent, but my church was not one of those churches, so it was all completely new to me during my time at Simpson.

I have practiced Lent in the past, and typically during Lent it is tradition to give up something in your life in order to teach you something about the suffering of Christ, but also to begin again and clean out our lives of the clutter we so often collect, both materially, and emotionally. Catholic traditions require fasting of food on certain days, fasting of meat on certain days and so forth, but Protestants have historically chosen something in their lives to clean out and personally to attend to.

Lent begins with Ash Wednesday, and this year it begins next Wednesday, February 25th.

“Ash Wednesday is a turning point. On this day, the first day of Lent, we stop, take a good look at ourselves, and turn toward God. On Ash Wednesday, we begin again to follow Jesus Christ.” -from the “Upper Room”.

For many reasons, I have decided to personally participate in fasting from a few things beginning next Wednesday until Easter. Lent is also a time of mourning as well, so as to teach us the meaning of saying “HALLELUJAH!” when it comes time for Easter, but also to teach us the true meaning of rejoicing as well when we celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Anyway, there is still a lot of depth about this time that I don’t understand fully, but I’ve done a lot of reading up on everything, and I believe this time will be a time of re-focusing on my purpose on earth, and to re-focus as I move back to the States, and see the LORD for his will in my life and for the future.

The “Mustard Seed Associates” sum up Lent well by saying: “During this season, we spend 40 days meditating on our brokenness—the brokenness in ourselves, in our relationships with God, with others, and with creation—that Jesus came to heal with his death and resurrection.” They are a good resource if you are interested in learning more about Lent, or would like to participate in a study during this time. There is a free download, if you’d like to check it out: Lenten Reflection Guide.

Anyway, there’s definitely more I could say about the next few weeks, but I’m really looking forward to this time. I may or may not blog between now and my arrival at home, we’ll see how busy things get! I should be home around April 7th, for those interested! Love you all!

photo blog

February 12, 2009 MeridithLeave a comment

Here are some recent pictures, I know it’s been a while! I have updated my Picasa website also, so there are pictures up there, and here is my latest facebook album:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2002877&id=175800028&l=a0d48

And here is my web album (needs updating!!):

http://picasaweb.google.com/meridith.johnson

We saw an elephant show at the Rose Gardens when my friends came! (But then again, I see elephants walking down the street all the time! But the show was cool!)

Bangkok at Dusk Here is Bangkok at the end of the day… we had dinner at the Byoke Tower, so it was cool to see Bangkok from above! I still can’t believe I live here!

Bangkok at night Yea.. still can’t believe I live here!

Simpson friends! Here is Becky, Kristina, and I after dinner.

We are from Simpson! Darin, Kristina, Becky and I! Simpson Music Majors united!

n1428889491_30240972_57351 The team from Roseburg C&MA.

Sunrise at Springfield Resort, where the forum was held in Cha Am. No photoshop needed!

Some friends at a pub, “The Saxaphone” downtown with Aaron, another Simposn friend who was passing through!

This is Victory Monument, downtown!

Amanda, Bridget and myself on Krabi Island (New Year’s trip)

Happy New Year! All of us on Phi-Phi island ringing in the brand new year… 2009!!

Blessings, and I miss you all!!

update of sorts

February 10, 2009 Meridith1 Comment

I feel like the clock is ticking, and sometimes I LOVE that sound, yet other times I hate it.

This week.. I was glad.

I think I’m coming to a point of exhaustion.. actually I KNOW that I’m at that point. Most teachers get a summer break, which I was about to have, then I left for Thailand. I’ve been grateful for our breaks during Christmas and October, but I’m ready for a season of rest (hopefully) when I get back. I can tell my patience level with the kids is quite low recently… and I don’t want that to affect anything, but it always seems to affect everything.

Anyway, I just realized that for the past 4 weeks, I’ve had something going on every single weekend… this past weekend, we thankfully had Monday off, so I joined my friends at the beach Sunday and Monday, after resting up on Saturday.

All us teachers are in a routine, for sure… we know our schedules all too well, which makes procrastinating a regular part of every day (at least for me). I’m really looking forward to being done, and going home, so it’s been a struggle lately to remain here in my heart and attitude.

This weekend we have some big plans, Chicago is here in Bangkok, so on Friday the 13th (yea.. I know!) we will get all dressed up and head out to see the show! Then on the 14th.. Valentine’s Day, yes, GES has a booth we have to work at and I as the Music teacher have to put together some special music for. Anyway… should be fun.

Sorry, this blog is way boring, maybe I’ll think of more interesting things to write about later! Miss you all.