peering into the past, from the future.

I chuckle, but also I was stunned as I ran across this tonight.  This was a blog I had written in an old notebook, to be posted I guess later that day.  It was written in fall 2005, my Junior year of college, 20 years old, and actually reminds me more of what my realities were then, helps me understand where I used to stand on some things.

When you read, you’ll see why, it’s funny, but totally crazy too.  Comments to come later.

 

November 13, 2005 11:22 a.m.

Currently, as I’m composing this blog, I’m sitting at Lisa Popeill’s “Workshop for Singing Non-Classical Styles” or something like that).  Al I can say is I’M BORED!  If I could, I would start walking back to Redding right now.

It’s all interesting, I completely agree.  BUT I just don’t want to be here.

So, my mind is wandering, we’ll see what I feel like writing about.  I wish I had a computer in front of me, instead of all these notes.

Anyway, I have been thinking quite a bit about many subjects.  I’m thankful that God reveals things to us in his time.  For quite a while, I always felt that I wouldn’t get married until I was much older, like 25 or 26 (even though it’s not THAT old).  Anyway, but as of late, over this past summer, and this semester, I’ve begun to really pray for the Lord’s will on this subject.

(fast forward some boring things)

One of the reasons I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit has to do with what’s going to happen in my life after I graduate.  For a while, I thought about graduate school, and it’s still in the back of my mind.  but I really believe God is calling me to be a full-time Worship Pastor.

As a woman, I would be very fearful to enter into the ministry and be single.  I mean, yes, I know I COULD do it, but without that support?  I know if I had great friends around me, living with me, that would be AMAZING, but the truth is I don’t know where I’ll be going.

I know I could follow someone whether it’s a significant other or closer friend.  Churches are everywhere, and always could have needs for Worship Pastors.

All I know is what God is calling me to… and I don’t really know what that’s going to look like.  I’m just walking down a road, a path.  I don’t know where I’m heading, but I know I’m following CHRIST with all that’s in me.

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23

I’ve been twenty-three, well, for almost a year now, and I was thinking ahead to being twenty-four, and a song that I hope to use for a future blog, but I think it’s time for a blog on being twenty-three, since it won’t be for much longer.  One of my all time favorite Jimmy Eat World songs is called “23”, and I wanted to share the lyrics, but not until the end.

A year ago, around my birthday, as when I first found the job here in Thailand at GES, and so my memories of last year’s birthday dinner were filled with thoughts of Thailand, and wondering if I’d actually be going.  Twenty-three seemed old, but not that old, twenty-four on the other hand, is OLD.  I’ve been saying for the past year that I’ll cry when that day comes, and I still think that will happen.

It’s been a year of new beginnings, growth, and lots of change.  Life after college was all I thought about during my Senior year at Simpson, but as I quickly found out, and have been discovering, it really isn’t easy.  I learned in the time I turned 23 that I should simply take life one step, one day, one moment, and one year at a time.  I can’t expect all the details of my hopes and dreams to happen so fast, many of those hopes and dreams come through experiences and time.

Anyway, there’s more I could say, but the lyrics of this song say a lot.  If you haven’t ever listened to the song, DO IT!  It’s one of the most beautifully crafted songs I’ve ever listened to, as many Jimmy songs are.  Genius.  It’s about living life to the fullest, living without regret,dreaming dreams and growing older…

 

23- Jimmy Eat World

I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I’m still driving away
And I’m sorry every day
I won’t always love these selfish things
I won’t always live…
Not stopping…

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You’ll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I’m here I’m now I’m ready
Holding on tight
Don’t give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems
I’ll be 23
I won’t always love what I’ll never have
I won’t always live in my regrets