no rest for the weary

With all my heart and soul, I always long for summer.  I look forward to the long, sunny days and often am nostalgic about the heat, and staying up late with friends talking about hopes and dreams.  Unfortunately I think the last time I stayed up late with friends basking in the warm evening air was probably college.  Yea, I’m pretty sure.  Anyway, but I do always look forward to the warmer days and nights… except I always forget: I CAN’T SLEEP WHEN IT’S HOT!

I think my room is about 15 degrees hotter than the rest of the house, because it faces west, where the sun sets.  LAME.  Yes, I’ve tried fans, I sleep with only a sheet… everything.  Nothing helps.  I really, honestly sleep best in the cold, it’s weird.

Anyway, along with the summer come temperatures much too hot and uncomfortable for running, so, I try to get in the habit of waking up early and running.  So, combine not being able to fall asleep in heat, and being anxious about waking up at 6 a.m. and that means hardly no sleep.

But there’s nothing like waking up early and going running, even with little sleep.  Sloppy form, heavy breathing… but a still, quiet morning before a busy day is so worth it.  Our house sits in a newer neighborhood, but is just next door to the “country”, so I can run the country roads, say a friendly “hello” to the horses and cows as I run by.  Today as I went on a quick 3-mile jaunt I was reminded of Nagaland, India.  Daniel and I would wake up and go for runs early in the morning, and all the locals seemed to stare at us, like we were so strange for going running.  Or it could have been that it was obvious we were foreigners because of what we looked like, but also because we looked like fools, running up and down the long, main road that seemed to stretch for eternity.  The air was thick and warm, much too warm for 6 a.m., but we went running anyway.  The women with their water jars balanced on their heads, and the men pulling their old wooden, heavy carts down the road, with an occasional car zipping past us.  Those were good days.  Those were simple days as I processed through 4 long years of college, and looked forward to dreaming new dreams ahead of me.

Today reminded me of being overseas.  Hearing roosters crow as I ran my usual loop reminded me of everywhere but here.  India, Thailand, Nicaragua, Mexico… everywhere.  But.  Here. Anywhere but here.

It’s funny how we often perceive life to be.  Seemingly insignificant moments can quickly catch us off guard and become significant moments.

Though I feel restless, I’m thankful and grateful.  Thankful for the past memories, and grateful for grace as I look toward the future.

Along these roads, we used to run, with the rice fields all around, and the beauty of India:


Miss our chats and runs Daniel!!

wait.

it seems like the same conversation happens
again and again
wait, wait, wait
okay.  i’ll wait again

no one to call mine
not that i’m ready for that
but it could be nice
it could be time

somehow you always seem to see me
see me for who i actually am
the good and not so good
the grand and not so grand

but how can i know?
how could i possibly decide?
residing in between fear and regret
is peace

this is the way, walk in it
that’s all i want to hear
to make a decision without question
to take a step without wondering

somehow we figure out how to survive
between the tension of believing
and doubting
and trusting with faith

i think i might need you, too
but only time will tell
only after letting my heart loose
will i know exactly where it lies

waiting is my joy,
my curse, my friend
alone is where i will lay and stay
waiting is where i will remain

mercies new i knew

your mercies are new every morning
fresh as a morning breeze
as real as the wind i can only feel but never touch
your mercies i knew

forgiveness, hope, healing
along with mercies
a cup of cool water rushing to wash away my fears
your mercies i knew

strength to leave the past behind
hope to begin to see a bright tomorrow
a breath of fresh air and a pool of peace to swim in
your mercies i knew

faith to put on my eyes to see
that the darkness cannot exist along with the light
and desperation for you and who you are is better than despair
your mercies i knew

trust to firmly take your hand and walk
beyond the shadows and the lies
the things i once believed to be true, are exposed in you
your mercies, i knew, i know

whispering a gentle “be still”
holding my heart in the palm of your hand
rushing toward me and wiping my tears away
your mercies, i now know

move

Life has been really challenging for me lately.  The balance of what “could be” and what “should be”.  Redemption.  Reconciliation.  I just don’t get it.  It’s so hard.  Trying to follow God, but seriously, seriously having so many doubts I can’t even begin to name them right now.  Challenging puts it lightly.

I have so little faith it’s not even funny.  How could it be funny?

What am I doing and where am I going?

Then this morning, a song from the distant past started playing on my playlist.  I cried.  I was moved.  Dare you to move.  Move.  Don’t be still.  Don’t just let it all happen.

“Dare you to move.  Dare you to move.  Dare you to lift yourself up off the floor…

The tension is here, the tension is here, between who you are and who you could be, between how it is and how it should be…

Maybe redemption has stories to tell, maybe forgiveness is right where you fell, but when you run to escape from yourself, where you gonna go?  Where you gonna go?  Salvation is here.”

I don’t know what to say.  But salvation is here.  You can pick yourself up.  And move.  I can pick myself up and move.  Toward God.  Toward hope.  Toward peace.

this week

this has been “one of those weeks”.

one of those weeks that before it even began, i said to myself: “i wish it was friday”.

sometimes a good cry in the bathroom is just what the doctor ordered.

i plan to take a couple prayer walks today.

GOD.. be my strength.

“In His Name
All our fears are swept away
He never fails”

bad day

bad day.
gross hair.  need a haircut.
what doesn’t annoy me today?
wishing it was over, the day that is,
but that’s not until 9 tonight.
i have a million things to do
but can’t seem to get anything done.

it all becomes mush.
mush in a pot of stew
with too many things to do
weird music on pandora.

give me chocolate
give me coffee
give me an explaination why i feel this way
give me a miracle

give me a way out
vacation
sunshine

give me hope again.

holy moments

Each day, I find myself surrounded by holy moments.  Not because I work at a church.  Actually I think that’s the opposite reason I experience these moments.  It’s in working out things.  Talking to people.  Expressing pain.  Expressing beauty.  Expressing love, care and concern in whatever way I can.

I love passing along verses to people.  Especially lately verses that have been so convicting in my own heart and life, I just know I have to share them with others because they’ve impacted me so greatly.  I don’t do it to tell them they need to change, I just throw it out there, because I know it’s changed me.

I experience God in many ways, one of them is in running.  Another is in creation and the beauty of all that is around me.  And another, just as of lately, has been in people.  Now I don’t consider myself a total “people person”, but lately there have been many precious conversations that have caused me to just gently be reminded that God is here.  With me.  Holding my hand.  Wiping my tears. Giving me dreams again.  He’s here.  He uses other people to sometimes show me things I’ve never thought of before.

Holy moments.

Lately I’ve been taking prayer walks.  During the day, especially since it’s been so nice lately.  Walking around the apartments near the church and just praying fervently.  That our church would learn and see how to have compassion and love for these people… these broken people who are so different from us.  Who live with their boyfriends or girlfriends, who have many children.  Who have many tattoos.  Who smell bad.  Who cuss us out.  Who want nothing to do with church.  GOD… how can we love these people????  Our church has been put in this location for a reason.  Why are we not broken over wanting to see these people in church and praying for their salvation?

When I read the gospels, I see this picture of Jesus and I wonder… what would he do, now?  What would he think of our high walls, gates, and beautiful clothing?  What would he think that we are shutting the world out of our “holy” place?

Met with a friend yesterday who goes with a group of people to narcotics anonymous weekly.  She said that meeting is more spiritual to her than any other church service she’s been to.  Because it’s real.

Holy moments.

They are all around us.

In a smile, a warm touch, a friend, an enemy, in working through our bitterness.

Embracing the holy moments.

“You Are Mine”

Maybe I don’t have the strength
Maybe I don’t have the faith
You brought me here in 40 years
When I know this trip should take a week

I’ve shed my tears and shed my blood
Been held ransom by the flood
The winter steals my songs away
In all of this I’ve come undone

When you walk through the water I will be with you
When you pass through the river the waves they will not overtake you
When you walk on the fire the flames will not touch you
You are mine, you are mine

I’ve been a child I’ve been a slave
I’ve grown bitter and learned to pray
Packed my bags and started back
The cost was just too high to pay

Isaiah 43:1b-7

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
   I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
   I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
   they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
   you will not be burned;
   the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the LORD your God,
   the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
   Cush[a] and Seba in your stead.
4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
   and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
   nations in exchange for your life.
5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
   I will bring your children from the east
   and gather you from the west.
6 I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
   and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
   and my daughters from the ends of the earth—
7 everyone who is called by my name,
   whom I created for my glory,
   whom I formed and made.”

the blinker. part 2.

silence.  in between the sound
the pounding sound
of the blinker
takes me back to that place

daydreaming again what i did before
again.  6 months later
still wishing
a warm touch of the hand

thought i had found what i was looking for
in the depth of your blue eyes
straining to look deeply
to see if you see what i see

but you don’t
you didn’t
but i was the fool to believe
you could see what i tried to see

i put on my rose colored glasses
lenses made of “love” and “lust”
seeing a picture perfect life
just in the beginning, just during the lies

the memories can’t be erased
though somedays i wish they could
i wish the pain was easy to forget
to you it seems to be easy to forget
but when you are always next to an empty bottle
i guess it becomes an easy escape

to escape the pain you have caused too many
too many who were trusting of you
trusting of your strong arm
“protection” we thought we needed

the sound of the blinker brings me back
all the memories flashing in front of me
but once again, the car turns
and the silence returns

the empty space is still silent
but filled with continued memories of you
even on my best days, they are still marked with thoughts of you
but i’d never go back.  i’d never go back

no reason to return to lies
no reason to enter the facade of a “life” you’ve made for yourself
no reason to live in your world
no reason to trust any word you ever spoke
no reason to believe i am who you are

the blinker

forward.

pacing.  walking.  turning.  breathing.
sleep.  wake.  eat.  breathe.
repeat.
and repeat again.
and just keep going.
keep on running.

almost there.  almost past it.  almost back to the beginning.
then i’m one step behind where i thought i was.
just keep going.  you’re almost there.  one more step.
will i ever be there?  will it ever be over?

will the sting ever really go away?  without it just being masked?
can a small piece of scotch tape really fix what stitches, or surgery should fix?
can the pain ever be taken away by a temporary fix?
momentary distraction?

a rush of cool water.  to make the blood wash away.
a disinfectant.  hurts.  yet can heal.
a binding bandage.  thick enough to cover it.
stop touching it.  stop picking at it.
let it heal.
but sometimes, i just can’t.

washed in the water.  cleansed by the blood.
already.
a long time ago.
washed and cleansed.
FORGIVEN.
HEALED.

but sometimes i relive the pain.  to know the experience was real.
to remember i’m real.
to recount what might have been my fault.
to second guess.

stop picking at it.
LET IT HEAL.

and just keep running.
toward the goal.
the heavenly prize.

forward.  move forward.