Tag: Life

wait.

Meridith2 Comments

it seems like the same conversation happens
again and again
wait, wait, wait
okay.  i’ll wait again

no one to call mine
not that i’m ready for that
but it could be nice
it could be time

somehow you always seem to see me
see me for who i actually am
the good and not so good
the grand and not so grand

but how can i know?
how could i possibly decide?
residing in between fear and regret
is peace

this is the way, walk in it
that’s all i want to hear
to make a decision without question
to take a step without wondering

somehow we figure out how to survive
between the tension of believing
and doubting
and trusting with faith

i think i might need you, too
but only time will tell
only after letting my heart loose
will i know exactly where it lies

waiting is my joy,
my curse, my friend
alone is where i will lay and stay
waiting is where i will remain

move

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Life has been really challenging for me lately.  The balance of what “could be” and what “should be”.  Redemption.  Reconciliation.  I just don’t get it.  It’s so hard.  Trying to follow God, but seriously, seriously having so many doubts I can’t even begin to name them right now.  Challenging puts it lightly.

I have so little faith it’s not even funny.  How could it be funny?

What am I doing and where am I going?

Then this morning, a song from the distant past started playing on my playlist.  I cried.  I was moved.  Dare you to move.  Move.  Don’t be still.  Don’t just let it all happen.

“Dare you to move.  Dare you to move.  Dare you to lift yourself up off the floor…

The tension is here, the tension is here, between who you are and who you could be, between how it is and how it should be…

Maybe redemption has stories to tell, maybe forgiveness is right where you fell, but when you run to escape from yourself, where you gonna go?  Where you gonna go?  Salvation is here.”

I don’t know what to say.  But salvation is here.  You can pick yourself up.  And move.  I can pick myself up and move.  Toward God.  Toward hope.  Toward peace.

the blinker. part 2.

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silence.  in between the sound
the pounding sound
of the blinker
takes me back to that place

daydreaming again what i did before
again.  6 months later
still wishing
a warm touch of the hand

thought i had found what i was looking for
in the depth of your blue eyes
straining to look deeply
to see if you see what i see

but you don’t
you didn’t
but i was the fool to believe
you could see what i tried to see

i put on my rose colored glasses
lenses made of “love” and “lust”
seeing a picture perfect life
just in the beginning, just during the lies

the memories can’t be erased
though somedays i wish they could
i wish the pain was easy to forget
to you it seems to be easy to forget
but when you are always next to an empty bottle
i guess it becomes an easy escape

to escape the pain you have caused too many
too many who were trusting of you
trusting of your strong arm
“protection” we thought we needed

the sound of the blinker brings me back
all the memories flashing in front of me
but once again, the car turns
and the silence returns

the empty space is still silent
but filled with continued memories of you
even on my best days, they are still marked with thoughts of you
but i’d never go back.  i’d never go back

no reason to return to lies
no reason to enter the facade of a “life” you’ve made for yourself
no reason to live in your world
no reason to trust any word you ever spoke
no reason to believe i am who you are

the blinker

lenten prayers and thoughts

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“Hope by its very nature captivates both our hearts and heads.  It evokes deep emotion.  It moves in and makes itself at home in our souls.  It takes up residence at the very core of who we are.  That is why it is so vital that we begin to place our hope in the Lord.” -Adam R. Holz

Breathe in me,
O Holy Spirit,
that my thoughts may all be holy.

Act in me,
O Holy Spirit,
that my work, too may be holy.

Draw my heart,
O Holy Spirit,
that I love only what is holy.

Strengthen me,
O Holy Spirit,
to defend all that is holy.

Guard me, then,
O Holy Spirit,
that I may always be holy.

-St. Augustine

Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven,
whose sin is covered.
Blessed is the man against whom the LORD counts no iniquity,
and in whose spirit there is no deceit…
Many are the sorrows of the wicked,
but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the LORD.
Be glad in the LORD, and rejoice, O righteous,
and shout for joy, all you upright in heart!
Psalm 32: 1-2, 10-11

“O God, the deathless hope of everyone, we rejoice that you support us both when young and even to old age.  When our strength comes from you, it is strength indeed; but when our own strength is all we have, it is feebleness.  You give refreshment and true strength.” -St. Augustine

Prayer

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“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.  I do not see the road ahead of me.  I cannot know for certain where it will end.  Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.  But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.  And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.  I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.  And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it.  Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost in the shadow of death.  I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave meto face my perils alone.”

-From Thoughts in Solitude by Thomas Merton

words fail

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When words fail, I just don’t speak.  Words fail me a lot lately.  

I’ve felt like I’ve been in a daze over the past few weeks, and the thing is that I knew I would feel this way.  I hate feeling like I have no purpose and that I’m wandering.

Each morning, I’ve woken up in a various couch, bed, and location in beautiful Southern California.  With no agenda almost each day, I  have felt like I’ve been wallowing in self-pity, which is not the right approach to things.  People getting married, life happening all around, people in love, people enjoying jobs, people living.  

I feel like I’ve been waiting for something big to happen and to point me in the right direction.  I’m not sure that “big” thing was what I was expecting, but I’m feeling a pull to a place I never wanted to go back to.  I won’t go into details, because everything is really up in the air, and nothing is for sure, but I need to follow my heart on this… even if I don’t understand it.

Thank you those for your thoughts and prayers, I can’t express enough what they mean.  I’m grateful, and blessed beyond measure.

More to come.

 

PS: On Monday I’m starting two (2) courses for my Seminary degree!  I know I haven’t really explained that to many people, but my heart is joyful about it, and I’m really looking forward to this new venture!