Somehow he's seen something in me that makes me who I am.
Somehow he's taken the broken pieces and made it so it doesn't matter how many pieces I'm broken into.
Somehow love seems to be found through the one who paid the ultimate price for me.
Somehow I am inspired and pushed each day to give to others because of what he gave for me.
Somehow he sees me as beautiful.
They say you cannot walk before you crawl
I wonder why, I wonder why
Because everybody dreams before they fall
A wonder world and then we lose it all
But I will dream of tomorrow Where the past will not be in my way Passion lives another day And I will dream of tomorrow Where perhaps she’ll wait for me
And every single heart that I have held
In my hands, in my clumsy hands
I fumbled them around until they fell
It’s much safer ground just keeping to myself
But I still dream of tomorrow Where the past will not be in my way Passion lives another day And I still dream of tomorrow Where perhaps she’ll wait for me And perhaps she’ll wait for me
This weekend is one of those weekends that will forever be etched into my memory; forever tucked away into my heart.
I was practically born in the nursery here at First Baptist Church of Medford, Oregon. My story, as the stories of many others, is weaved into FBC, and our stories make the story of this church. But the beauty of it all is that none of this is about us, it is all about Him.
My calling to ministry came at a young age, and a dream was born in the halls of my middle school as I began being a ministry leader at age 13. This weekend I got a chance to look into the kind, yet more wrinkled eyes of my dear youth pastor from those years, and as I told him, “I think of you guys all the time”, he kindly smiled and said, “Meridith, I pray for you”. Nothing else mattered at that moment. It was humbling, and gave me strength.
This weekend FBC Celebrated 125 years of ministry, and it made me grateful for those who have gone before me, and paved the way, and gave me an even greater understanding of my place and calling here at First Baptist Church.
I had the honor of meeting Dr. Haddon Robinson, a former Associate Pastor of FBC in the 50’s, and he later went on to be a Professor, and author books on the subject and topic of preaching. And let me tell you, he did not disappoint, He knows what he’s doing. At first glance, this elderly man of perhaps 80, or so, gives no spectacular impression. He is someone’s grandfather, some woman’s husband. But as he slowly, step by step climbed the steps on Saturday night, and then again on Sunday morning, the audience was captivated. You could have heard a pin drop in the building, and you couldn’t help but lean in and closely listen to every word he spoke, filled with wisdom of a long life lived serving the Lord.
“Habakkuk 2:4b “But the just shall live by his faith”, and in the faithfulness of God.” He repeated.
Another theme of the evening was a short paragraph read that a woman wrote in the 1920’s, reflecting on where the church had been, and what was to come. It spoke of the fact that things had not been done perfectly, but by God’s grace the church would continue, and that they would perceive even greater opportunities for the future. How timely those words were. There were individuals in that building that night who needed to be reminded: we must forgive.
Many things spoke to me that night, I wish I could tell you about all of them. Even Sunday morning. I confidently walked onto the stage as a prayer was being prayed, and I fully knew that I needed to proceed with the confidence that God has placed me here, at this church, for his purposes. I knew full well as I glanced over the faces of closed eyes, that some of the people in this building had come with preconceived ideas of how our church was in the past, and how it was now, especially in regards to worship and music. I knew that many had doubts in their minds that a woman could be standing on stage, guitar in hand, and be leading this congregation in worship. But, I pushed the doubts and questions aside, and prayed that God would fill me with his Spirit and with the words he wanted me to speak.
I educated those on worship, in an interesting way yesterday. If you were there, you probably had no idea what was running through my mind, but as I began to exercise within my calling and skills, I had no more fear.
I was struck, as I looked at the words of some of the old hymns or songs sung in the 20’s and 30’s, as we had several worship folders from that time, preserved. It is profound thinking that those before us sang the same words and prayers that we sing even today. This was the heart of what I prayed people would see on Sunday. That we can look at the past, honor those who have paved the way for us, but to also function in the current culture, and find a profound humility that our God is unchanging, and we can sing those timeless things to him, even know.
I teared up as I looked out and saw how people sang with their whole hearts. “Oh, praise Him, Oh, praise Him! He is Holy! He is Holy!”, right after singing “Holy, Holy, Holy”. It was beautiful to see voices being lifted up to our God, and hands raised in surrender and agreement with words of truth. In that moment, I knew my job was done. People were worshipping, and they didn’t, by any means, need me to do that. It was beautiful. My heart was touched, and it was reaffirmed in my heart that: this isn’t about me (even though there were a NUMBER of things trying to distract me and cause me to be selfish about MY title, and MY position, God humbled me really quickly about that!).
Here are a few pictures, and a partial video of the song we did. I love the words: “Scars and struggles on the way, but with joy our hearts can say, yes our hearts can say. Never once did we ever walk alone, never once did you leave us on our own, You are faithful, God You are faithful…”
I’m sure there will be more to share about this weekend, but for now, that’s what I got!
words seem to fail me all the time these days. i should just stop talking, because i never can say the right thing. i don’t even know what i really want to say either. even right now.
the moment a heart breaks, one can never really know how they will survive. i’m not trying to be dramatic, just honest. i think that’s why we fear love. intimacy. we never know when the heart will break and we never can know if it will fully be put back together again.
it’s easier to just not feel than to let yourself feel sometimes.
i was driving home tonight after running with a friend. rolled my windows down, opened my sun roof, letting in the crisper-than-usual september first air. it was peaceful. sometimes we have to search for those moments of peace.
the moon was also really amazing tonight. just a sliver in the distance.
i don’t really know what i’m trying to say, but for some reason it didn’t need any capital letters.
I know you have been holding your breath for a new blog from me, so, you can breathe now, here’s a new blog!!!
It’s funny, because I’ve been a Grey’s Anatomy viewer now for about 4 or 5 years, and it is one of my favorite shows for a number of reasons, though I do not endorse the worldview or some of the things the show promotes. However, I love how “real” life is on the show. It’s messy, unpredictable, and just, life.
In more ways than just my name, I feel like Meredith Grey and I quite similar. This quote really hit me a few months ago… And that’s about it for this blog.
“There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ’cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.”
YOU hold it in your hands
YOU carefully watch every move
every breath
YOU whisper: words of life
into every heart and soul
breathing in and breathing out
saying YOUR name unaware
grace upon grace
mercy upon mercy you say: you are MINE and I am yours
we spout words of discontent
sentences of our “all knowing humanness”
YOU smile, YOU see, YOU hear
but we cannot see things the way YOU do
we cannot understand the workings of YOUR hand
we can never see all the ways
YOU cover us with your unending grace
the ways we divide and kill
the ways YOU cover us still
blind to YOUR covering grace, we are
YOUR light breaks through the darkness
as i stand facing the light of day
facing the light with the past behind
how could i ever not see YOU
how could i ever forget YOU?
YOU are everywhere and in my every breath
YOU are peace when all around is madness
YOU are joy (and my joy) when i have lost happy
YOU are grace covering every word and every move
There are all sorts of seasons we encounter in our lives. The good, the bad, and the ugly; sometimes we never know what is coming until it hits us in the face, but fortunately, the definition of a season is that it only lasts for a period of time. This is part of life. The ebb and flow of how life is lived.
Though we never walk alone, I’ve been in a season of solitude for some time now. I don’t ever really feel lonely during these times, it is just as if God draws me into his presence, and I simply don’t desire to spend a lot of time with other people (no offense my friends, but seriously, I love these times of solitude). I enjoy just taking off for a few hours on a run or walk, or coming home from work to cook dinner and just be alone.. well, you know what I mean, spend time just listening to God and thinking.
As I’ve been reading recently, we cannot fully experience an emotion, feeling or season without also experiencing the opposite of that, whatever it is. When we walk through seasons of brokenness, solitude, and sadness, only then can we fully embrace and experience those seasons of wholeness, community and JOY that come out of the opposite season. Sometimes the brokenness seems like too much, yet the psalmist says that the Lord is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18) and later he also says that our tears are counted and kept in a bottle, and that he sees “tossings” (Psalm 56:8). I don’t know about you, but even if I am experiencing a difficult season, I’d rather have the Lord close and with me than have times be good and not feel his presence. The KJV reads like this:
“Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: [are they] not in thy book”
It’s interesting, the Hebrew word “tellest”also means: to number, to take account of, rehearse, recon…
And the Hebrew word “cepher” for “book” also is translated as an official record book, not just any random book, but a book for God to hold records in.
Psalm 126:5 says (KJV) “They that sow in tears shall reap in joy”.
The same word for tears is used in this verse, but what I found interesting was the verb “reap” in Hebrew “qatsar” which actually also means “to shorten”, not just “to reap, or harvest”. And the word joy, I just love this:
1) ringing cry
a) of entreaty, supplication
b) in proclamation, joy, praise
A RINGING CRY. Not just feeling joy, but an actually expression of joy!! WHOA!
These are just a few verses out of many that tell us how much God cares about our feelings and emotions. I’ve talked about this a lot it seems lately with friends, because I know I tend to rely on my emotions for so much, but seriously, God is near to us no matter what we go through, but he wants us to experience the joy that can be found in him. Not only that, but the word “reap” also meaning “to shorten” tells me that though we will experience times of sadness and tears, he wants to SHORTEN those times, so that we will reap a time of joy. So, we sow in tears and sadness only to reap those times of joy. Two separate experiences, but one cannot be fully experienced without the other.
I say all this because though I still feel I am in a season on solitude, I have been coming out of a season of grieving. Grieving for a relationship, and I had to give that time. I had to invest in the healing process, and the grieving and sadness so that now, on the other side, I can truly say, “God you are good”. And I can taste, see, and experience that goodness, not just read about it.
I feel it all around me. I also feel is joy. It’s never left, but I feel it more deeply now that before.
(Adapted from Psalm 34, Isaiah 55, and Bebo Norman’s “The Only Hope”)
taste and see!
come close and see!
EXPERIENCE this:
that the Lord is GOOD
he is richer than the richest food
more beautiful than the finest silk
sweeter than the sweetest honey
more radiant than the golden sun
experience his goodness
drink in his grace
swim in his ocean of mercy
and inhale his awesome majesty
who can know the heart of God?
who could possibly understand?
his thoughts are much higher
and his ways are unfathomable
we reach for crumbs
but he gives a feast
we long for a note of beauty
while he writes a symphony
so let us tell of his goodness to all
let us worship his name together
until my last breath, let me continue to praise
i will never stop singing of his kindness
for i have tasted and seen
i have experienced his goodness
his goodness in the suffering and pain
his beauty in the ugly and dark
I must pause. My heart is overflowing because in the midst of struggle, I have to stop and I’m drawn to my knees because of this one thing: GOD IS FAITHFUL!!!
Things change. People lie. People leave. Unfaithfulness is all around me. I am surrounded in brokenness. I walk along a very broken path that is rained upon by tears and blood. BUT HE IS FAITHFUL. UNCHANGING.
“When God spoke from Mount Sinai his voice shook the earth, but now he makes another promise: ‘Once again I will shake not only the earth but the heavens also.’ This means that all of creation will be shaken and removed, so that only unshakable things will remain. Since we are receiving a Kingdom that is unshakable, let us be thankful and please God by worshiping him with holy fear and awe, for our God is a devouring fire.'” Hebrews 12:26-29
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say:
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Definition: Faithful: Loyal, constant, and steadfast.
This doesn’t even begin to describe the God we serve.
He never leaves us. Think about this. No matter what has happened, or what will happen, he’s not going anywhere. He is faithful. It’s so comforting thinking through the events of my life, just in the past 3 years, let alone my whole life, seeing that he has been there.
I’ve faced some dark days. I’m not about to sit here and tell you everything’s great. It’s not. In fact I’ve walked a road the past few months I never EVER wanted to walk. But I’ve decided that following him is so much better than walking away from him or disregarding what he tells me to do an where he leads me.
I have to apologize too, to my friends. I’ve been consumed. And many of you, most of you in fact, I have not let you in about this. I’ve just been working through it all and been…. self consumed. Please, forgive me.
Not only is God faithful and with us, but we all have each other. Surrounded by grace to spread the good news to this broken earth.
He is good. Never once. Never once have we ever walked alone.
“May my prayer like incense rise before You
The lifting of my hands a sacrifice
Oh Lord Jesus turn Your eyes upon me
For I know there is mercy in Your sight
Your statutes are my heritage forever
My heart is set on keeping Your decrees
Please still my anxious urge toward rebellion
Let love keep my will upon its knees
To all creation I can see a limit
But Your commands are boundless and have none
So Your word is my joy and meditation
From the rising to the setting of the sun
All Your ways are loving and are faithful
Your road is narrow but Your burden light
Because You gladly lean to lead the humble
I shall gladly kneel to leave my pride”
somehow beautiful 