to those who wait

To those who wait,

I am one of you.  I am you.  Longing, waiting hope and fear.  I am one who waits.

I live my life in quiet, or I strive to.  Though in my quiet, here is waiting, anticipation and… much restlessness.

While I wait, I wrestle.  Part of the waiting is a stream of doing too.  Waiting for me is not idle.  It is active.  

What am I waiting for?  Many things.  For my eyes to one day behold what I hope for, faith becoming sight.  For perfection.  For joy on this earth.  For promises to become realities.  Many things.

In my restlessness, two years ago I sold most of my earthly possessions, and packed my tiny two-door car with whatever would fit and moved to Dallas, Texas to attend Seminary.  My life will never be the same since that day.  I can’t explain it, but my two years here have been like a gentle breeze, making its way through the empty spaces of my heart… awaking many things in me by the means of the Holy Spirit.

This past week was one of those gentle breezes, only it was more like a powerful wind, studying grace and salvation in a one week intensive course.  

There are many people to whom I have much gratitude to give, and Dr. Glenn Kreider is one of those people.  Thank you Dr. Kreider for your sacrifice of this past week, and your life given to teaching students at Dallas Theological Seminary.

I cannot sum up this week in a simple blog post, or even many blog posts.  It is just not possible.  But as I sort out these things and work out my own salvation, some of those “working outs” may appear here on my blog, to those who read, and to those who wait (for the posts.. sorry!  I’m slow..)

To those who wait, and to myself, as one who waits: do not stop waiting.  Live in the tension of that which is now, and the hope of that which is promised.  It has to be worth it, because there really isn’t much else to hold on to as I look around at this ever changing world we live in.

There are many things in life I am not sure about in life, but I am sure that I am desperate for God’s grace.  And I am also sure that I know I’ve never deserved that Grace, and I never will.

The mystery and wonder

There is something about Advent 
Filled with mystery and wonder
in the midst of busy lives filled with noise
noise that simply fills the silence
we are invited to pause, reflect and wonder once again.

Imagine how it is that God himself became man
how it is that God took on human flesh
we stand in awe of the mystery of the incarnation
can we ever humanly understand this beautiful, awful, preposterous thing?

But God dwelled.
God dwelled among his people
Tabernacled with his people
so we could have a mediator
the God-man.
Emmanuel, God with us.

The wonder of Advent is the story,
the story that each moment,
we are invited once again to join
again and again.
Because no, it’s not just a story,
its the reality of mankind:
hope.

And hope is a person: Jesus Christ.

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2994 Hawaiian Avenue.

I’m not sure what triggered it, but the other day I had this intense longing to go to my Grandma and Grandpa’s house.  The arrival into their driveway, the few steps you take up to the doorway, then after a good, loud knock (Grandpa definitely has some hearing problems), Grandma would greet us at the door with a huge smile across her face and wide open arms to hug each of us.  One, two, three, four girls… then Mom and Dad.

No doubt on this visit, like all the others, Grandma would have her apron on, covered in flour after just finishing the pie crust for chocolate pudding pie, my personal favorite.

The smell of Grandma and Grandpa’s house isn’t one you can replicate in a tiny candle called “Grandpa and Grandma’s house”, but if they did make a candle that smelled like their house, I most surely would have it.

The smells of dinner in the oven, pies baking, dusty books in the library, a collection of old coats from the 80’s in the closet, leather cowboy boots, laundry detergent, the dog and of course Grandpa’s aftershave and Grandma’s “Moonlit Path” lotion from Bath and Body Works.  All those smells together just make your troubles melt away as you step in the door.

Of course like any other visit, my sisters and I would either be fighting over who would use the computer, who would first play the keyboard or who would swing on the swing set built by my Grandpa outside.

Before too long, Mom gave us a look that so clearly communicated: “Remember to ask Grandma if she needs any help… OR ELSE!” and of course as the oldest, and most responsible, I was the only one to actually help.  But, whatever, I never minded because it usually meant I could sneak a little sample of dessert while no one was looking.

Dinners were memorable, and of course better than any weeknight meal we might have at home.  Grandpa always piled his food so high, and we could bet he would ask someone to “toss a roll” at some point during dinner.  So of course, we did.  Literally.

Peace.  Their home with all the smells, sounds, sights and memories makes me feel at peace, it still does.  Even today, seven years since my Grandfather’s death and almost almost three years since my Grandma’s death.

I can think of that home and be instantly transported to those treasured moments.

I miss them.  A lot.

Now, the home is unoccupied, owned by the bank.  I think.

One day I hope it will be filled with the laughter that so filled our family dinners, the tears that often streamed down my face when I sat in Grandpa’s empty chair needing advice from my Grandma and joy that will impact a new generation.

Nothing is meaningless.

Nothing is lost.

Hope remains.

I can’t wait to see Grandpa and Grandma again one day.  This time, in our TRUE home.

One year.

One year.  A lot can change in one year.  

One year ago my Dad and I were on day two of our trip moving me across the country from Oregon to Texas. 

So much has changed.

Faith.  Trust.  Waiting.  Hope.  

My feeble knees have been strengthened, and my weary heart has grown strong again.  God has been faithful, and never once have I ever walked alone.  I say that with tears welling in my eyes, because there were days I doubted this, and heaven remained silent as I cried this past winter.  Yet God gathered my tears in his bottle, and the Holy Spirit, the comforter, has come to my side at times when I just didn’t have the strength to face another day.

What does the next year hold?  I have no clue.  But I’m ready and expectantly waiting to see how God continues to meet needs and show himself continually faithful.

…my soul will rest in Your embrace….

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

hope

…just when all was lost.

Hope is what we have in place of that which is not, and in longing for that which is not… yet.

But.  Once out eyes behold, and we see, feel, touch, smell… there is no more need for hope.  Or faith.

Only love.

His goodness. HOPE.

Came upon this song just today.  It came at a timely moment for myself, listen to the words.  From Psalm 27.

The Lord is my light and salvation whom shall I fear
whom shall I be afraid
The Lord is my light and salvation whom shall I fear
whom shall I be afraid
I will wait for you
I will wait for you

I will remain confident in this
I will see the goodness of the Lord
I will remain confident in this
I will see the goodness of the Lord …

We set our hope on you
We set our hope on your love
We set our hope on the one
Who is the everlasting G o d ….

Rain on a summer day

just like rain and cold on a summer day in June
it’s how i feel these days
sometimes so out of place
wondering where i belong

the past is far, far behind
much farther than ever before
giving new breath to my lungs
and a new dream to dream

but between catching fireflies I’ve never seen
and jumping as high as I can to catch shooting stars
somehow it needs to all make sense
somehow it all needs to come together pointing which way to go

up?  down?  right?  left?
not even sure which direction I’m walking anymore
but it seems and appears as though you keep walking this way too
through the cloudy and foggy and into the clarity

it seems as though you’ve never left my side
i never really seemed to notice
until now
until the other day

but the darkness sometimes creeps and screams
trying to convince me i’m going the wrong way
but i’m not supposed to turn around
going backwards isn’t going forward

so just like rain on a warm summer day
you seem so strange and out of place to me
yet somehow it fits
somehow, for now it belongs

mercies new i knew

your mercies are new every morning
fresh as a morning breeze
as real as the wind i can only feel but never touch
your mercies i knew

forgiveness, hope, healing
along with mercies
a cup of cool water rushing to wash away my fears
your mercies i knew

strength to leave the past behind
hope to begin to see a bright tomorrow
a breath of fresh air and a pool of peace to swim in
your mercies i knew

faith to put on my eyes to see
that the darkness cannot exist along with the light
and desperation for you and who you are is better than despair
your mercies i knew

trust to firmly take your hand and walk
beyond the shadows and the lies
the things i once believed to be true, are exposed in you
your mercies, i knew, i know

whispering a gentle “be still”
holding my heart in the palm of your hand
rushing toward me and wiping my tears away
your mercies, i now know