Holy Week

      For the next week, I will (hopefully) be daily posting scripture readings, and book or quote excerpts leading up to Easter, on Sunday morning.  This time of year is one that resonates deeply in my heart, but part of the journey to Easter morning, with the experience of joy celebrating the risen Christ, is walking through Holy Week, which can often be shadowed by darkness.  Jesus Christ endured the cross, and went to the depths of Hell, the rose again in order to save us.

      We cannot fully worship the risen Savior until we understand the depth of our humanity and sin.  I look forward to the joy of Sunday morning, and worshipping in freedom.  I hope these next few days will bring light to your eyes, and turn hearts to Christ, and understanding more his immense love for us.

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Ephesians 2:13-16. “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ.  For he himself is our peace who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility by abolishing the law of commandments expressed in ordinances, that he might create in himself one new man in place of the two, so making peace and might reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility.”

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From A Letter of Consolation, by Henri J.M. Nouwen: “During this Holy Week we are confronted with death more than during any other season of the liturgical year. We are called to mediate not just on death in general or on our own death in particular, but on the death of Jesus Christ who is God and Man. We are challenged to look at Him dying on a cross and to find there the meaning of our own life and death. What strikes me most in all that is read and said during these days is that Jesus of Nazareth did not die for himself, but for us, and that in following Him we too are called to make our death a death for others.

What makes you and me Christians is not only our belief that He who was without sin died for our sake on the cross and thus opened for us the way to His heavenly Father, but also that through His death our death is transformed from a totally absurd end of all that gives life its meaning into an event that liberates us and those whom we love.

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From In Search of the Beyond by Carlo Coretto: “Jesus became a sacrament  for me, the cause of my salvation, he brought my time in hell to an end, and put a stop to my inner disintegration.  He washed me patiently in the waters of baptism, he filled me with the exhilarating joy of the Holy Spirit in confirmation, he nourished me with the bread of his word.  Above all, he forgave me, he forgot everything, he did not even wish me to remember my past myself.

When, through my tears, I began to tell him something of the years during which I betrayed him, he lovingly placed his hand over my mouth in order to silence me.  His one concern was that I should muster courage enough to pick myself up again, to try and carry on walking in spite of my weakness, and to believe in his love in spite of my fears.  But there was one thing he did, the value of which cannot be measured, something truly unbelievable, something only God could do.

While I continued to have doubts about my own salvation, to tell him that my sins could not be forgiven, and that justice, too, had its rights, he appeared on the Cross before me one Friday towards midday.

I was at its foot, and found myself bathed with the blood which flowed from the gaping holes made in his flesh by the nails.  He remained there for three hours until he expired.

I realized that he had died in order that I might stop turning to him with questions about justice, and believe instead, deep within myself, that the scales had come down overflowing on the side of love, and that even though all….through unbelief or madness, had offended him, he had conquered forever, and drawn all things everlastingly to himself.”

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Psalm 31:13-17

For I hear the whispering of many–
terror on every side!–
as they scheme together against me,
as they plot to take my life.
But I trust in you, O LORD;
I say, “You are my God.”
My times are in your hand;
rescue me from the hands of my enemies
and from my persecutors!
Make your face shine on your servant;
save me in your steadfast love!
O LORD, let me not be put to shame,
for I call upon you;
let the wicked be put to shame;
let them go silently to Sheol.

Psalm 34, selections

I prayed to the LORD,
and he answered me.
He freed me from all my fears.
Those who look to him
for help
will be radiant
with JOY;
no shadow of shame will darken their faces.

In my desperation
I prayed,
and the LORD listened;
he saved me from
all my troubles.

Taste and see
that
the
LORD
is good.
Oh, the JOYS of those who take refuge
IN HIM!

“I’m so tired of running…”

This song hit close to home when I heard Audrey and JJ Heller in concert last week…

Audrey Assad, “Lament”

I’m Mary and I’m Martha all at the same time;
I’m sitting at His feet and yet I’m dying to be recognized.
I am a picture of contentment and I am dissatisfied.
Why is it easy to work and hard to rest sometimes,
sometimes, sometimes

I’m restless, and I rustle like a thousand tall trees;
I’m twisting and I’m turning in an endless daydream.
You wrestle me at night and I wake in search of You…
but try as I might, I just can’t catch You
But I want to, ’cause I need You, yes, I need You
I can’t catch You, but I want to.

How long, how long until I’m home?
I’m so tired, so tired of running
How long until You come for me?

I’m so tired, so tired of running
Yeah, I’m so tired, so tired of running
I’m so tired, so tired of running

fighting gravity

I’ve been going through a dry spell, in regards to the creative side of my life.  I can’t remember when I last wrote a song.  This really isn’t a good thing, if you know me.  Hopefully changes in the future will aid this.  However, I had a moment of inspiration today, and am in the process of again writing:

Fighting gravity
’cause it’s all I can do to breathe
coming up for air
because gravity isn’t what I was made for
I was made to fly, I was made to fly

Fighting looks and glances
and who you think I am
Gravity was made for you
but not for me, never for me
I was made to fly, I was made to fly

I was made to fly
I’m more than what meets your eye
But can’t seem to escape
what you see me as
Fighting gravity
but it only seems to me
I’m grounded because
what you think I’m made to be

Like I said, it’s in the process.  Has a folky/country/shuffle feel.  More inspiration to come, hopefully…

Nica 2012

Time flies and it’s hard to believe it has been a year since I was last in Managua, Nicaragua.  There are many emotions as I have prepared, but in the midst of a very, very busy and stressful time here at work, there will be a little air to breathe as I get to chaperone a group of High School students on a mission trip to Nicaragua.  I have the most amazing job.

God always is up to something, and every time I’ve gone, He has surprised me with his strength (which I shouldn’t be!), peace, hope and joy in the faces of these children.

Pray for us.  We fly out March 21st, and return the 30th.  Check up on us through the week with our blog.

Quarters found

I can’t say off the top of my head how many blog drafts I have on my account currently.  It’s a lot. 

Silence doesn’t mean I don’t have anything to say, it just means sometimes there is too much to say, so it’s better not to say anything.  Those who know me know what my thoughts and feelings are, so there’s no need to blast it out to the world.  Some things are sacred, some things are kept deep in the heart.

Often, I think about pivotal decisions in my life; turning points and forks in the road in which I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was calling me down a different path.  Those moments are few and far between for me, but it’s a familiar feeling.  They are moments in which when I look back, I wonder why I wasn’t scared shitless.  I wonder how in the world I felt so much peace.  And I guess that’s just it.  Peace. These moments are marked with peace, regardless of what the decision was.

Sometimes God speaks through other people, sometimes he speaks through circumstances, and sometimes, it’s simply finding a quarter.  (Weird, I know, but true in my case.)

I cannot say what the future holds, but all I know this life was meant to be lived, and that what God has for us is beyond anything we could dream up for ourselves.  Read Ephesians, it will change you.

This is a journey, not a destination.  This is about knowing God in a deep way, as we walk through seasons of life, and are drawn closer to him.  It’s less about being happy.  More about him.  Less about us.  Think about it.

 

death

Death is such a funny thing, I mean, funny in a not so funny way.  I tend to stay far away from hospitals, breathing apparatuses… and just everything of that genre.

But the other day, I had to go to the hospital to visit my Aunt (actually my great Aunt, but we always just called her Aunt, like the regular kind), and have yet another encounter and be near death.  It’s been just over a year since my Grandma passed away, but the feeling is still all too real, even as I was missing her today.

Anyway, hospitals.  I don’t think I’ve been to the hospital to visit someone since my Grandpa died, in the summer of 2006, but walking in through those double doors, and down the hall to ICU only brought back memories of him, and of course my Grandma.

I tried not to think about it, but when my Mom called as I was working yesterday, I knew why she was calling.  I work at the church, so I had already heard the situation was critical, but still, I agreed to visit the hospital in my parents brief absence, even though she was sedated at the time.  I went about my work, then threw on my jacket, and decided just to walk over, since the hospital isn’t far from the church.  On the way, I really didn’t think about how it would feel, I didn’t want to.  But then again, maybe I just shouldn’t think about it, since it wasn’t really about ME at all.

I stayed for maybe an hour, visiting with her caregiver, and another relative (I honestly can’t even tell you how she’s related to us… we have so many interesting extended family connections, and just don’t really know them too well).

Her breathing and heart rate was irregular, but the only thing I could think about was my Grandpa, and remembering seeing him in a similar fashion, almost 6 years ago.

I wasn’t close with my Aunt, we never spent much time with her, you know, life is busy. My Dad knew her well and cared for her a lot over these past 8 or so years, when her health worsened.

Death is just so interesting, not funny, just so weird and intriguing.  I’m so uncomfortable being around it, because it just seems so wrong to sit in the same room where someone is dying and reminisce, laugh, tell stories about their lives, and be… so alive.

Someday I will die, and actually it will be a beautiful thing.  Seeing the face of God, seeing relatives that I’ve seen pass onto the other side.  It will be amazing.  But the scary, and more sobering thing to think about now is that so many around us don’t know Christ, and will not have heaven to look forward to.  They won’t experience a beautiful death, they don’t know what it’s like to have the peace of God.  This has been a topic of conversation with friends lately, and just realize the fragility of life.

Every breath is life, and a second chance to start again.  Just remember that, as you live and dance your way to death.

lessons learned

I’ve been in a jet-lag haze for the past week.  Yesterday morning was the first morning I woke feeling semi-normal.  But even that was waking up at 5:30 am.  I’m ready for normal, calm, peace.  Yeah right, that won’t be happening until… maybe July.

I hit the ground running Monday.  Ate lunch, unpacked, did laundry, worked out, then slept, sorta.  Meetings all week, extra rehearsals, more meetings, more planning.  It’s exhausting, but at the same time it’s good.  I’m glad to be here.

Many things were pressed into my heart while I was away, and when I returned, I returned with a desire and flame to be here, where I know God wants me.  There’s a lot I could say, but I don’t want to bore you all.  Let’s just say the ways I thought God was leading when I left, were just not really what I thought.  I like to plan, I like to dream, I love thinking about the future, but in the midst of all the planning, I forgot to remain in the present.  Even while I was on my trip, I really have a habit of not remaining in the here and now, and, well for now on, it’s a discipline for me.

Psalm 90 speaks a lot about who God is, and who we are in light of him.  But I love verse 12- teach us to realize the brevity of life that we may gain a heart of wisdom (sorry that may not be exact.. too tired to move right now and check).

Life is precious, never forget that.  Be you.  And be right where you are, right now.

moments

Where I collide
with the world
is not where my heart begins beating

Where time stills
and all is dark
is when I can rest my head and begin

Searching for peace
yet never finding it
yet by faith and by the light I step

The assurance of the dawn
the timeliness of the sunset
is where my heart beats and where my blood spills

The average
is never just average
it is precious it is a gift

The newness will fade
but Constance remains
in each day and each sunrise

Where my heart lies
and the world collides
is only the beginning of eternity

The adventure continues

I’m sitting here in bed, under a mosquito net here in Phnom Penh, Cambodia, after being warmly welcomed at the airport by a wonderful missionary family. A friend of a friend situation, but great none the less.

I love Cambodia, since the first time I visited, my heart was captured, in such a different way than Thailand. Thailand for me at this point is a take it or leave it place, Cambodia leaves me wanting more of it. Wanting to know, explore and understand.

After being used to sleeping with air con, tonight may be warmer than usual for me. The window is open, no screen, hence being totally under a mosquito net. Friends, you should be here with me.

Today, sitting in the airport I thought to myself, I don’t know anyone else who would do this. Traveling alone in a foreign country, SE Asia no less. And a woman. Am I crazy? No, well maybe a little, but at least I’m living. At least I’m living and feeling alive.

It’s late for me, take care friends. Until next time.

M